Saturday, 25 June 2016

The Music Festival Toilet Survival Guide


Toilets - most of us are familiar with them. That is until we go to a music festival. Suddenly, toilets take on a whole new scary and alien form and the whole act of relieving one’s bowels becomes a disturbing and traumatic experience.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. As somewhat of a festival veteran, I’d like to guide you through the art of festival toileteering as learnt the hard way.

So, without further ado let's weigh up your options.

The Portaloo


It looks like a TARDIS, except it’s smaller on the inside. That blue industrial paper usually used for cleaning windows with is actually for drying your hands with. And the semen-like liquid coming out of that dispenser is actually soap. But let’s not get too snobby about it. This mode of toilet is luxury compared to the rest. It’s got a door, which means a certain degree of privacy (unless the lock’s broken). 

The Open Air Urinal


This metal trough is used for urinating into. Some people choose to defecate in it because some people are degenerates. Easy access makes up for a total lack of privacy. The biggest downside to this mode of toilet is that you need to be a male to use it (unless you’re brave enough to trial out a she-wee). 

PRO TIP: Don't mistake it for a sink like the dude in the video above


The Dreaded Cesspit of Doom


Also known as a shit-truck or a slurry pit, this evil contraption consists of a bunch of flimsy cubicles built over the top of a giant cesspool into which everyone collectively does their business. The cesspool gradually fills up as the festival progresses, the resulting stench increasing day by day, eventually transforming into a biological weapon. Cubicles contain no toilet paper or soap, no toilet seat, on most occasions no ceiling. The lack of roof leaves them open to the elements. Doors usually consist of saloon-like flaps that start at chest height and end at the knees. A total lack of comfort and a total lack of privacy is ensured.


Alternative modes of toilet:

The Improvised Toilet - e.g. a bucket, a bottle, a hat

The Caveman approach - honour the traditions of your ancestors and go in a bush


The Deserterfind a public toilet outside the festival grounds and do it the civilised way


Back to Pre-schoolwear a nappy!

Lad PointsPiss on a stranger’s tent. Better off, piss inside a stranger’s tent. Better still, piss inside your own tent all over your own belongings because YOLO.




So, which is your best option?


Now that you're familiar with all the modes of toilets, it's time to establish which mode is the best. What better way than to compare each one's stats in a carefully-calculated chart.


Portaloo
Open-Air Urinal
Dreaded Cesspit of Doom
Improvised Toilet
Caveman Approach
Deserter
Back to pre-school
Lad points
Privacy
8
1
6
3
1
10
10
1
Home comforts
5
2
1
1
0
10
1
1
Accessibility
5
10
5
10
10
-20
10
10
Cleanliness
5
3
-666
1
1
8
0
1

Bloody hell, I feel like I'm writing my dissertation all over again. As you can see, I've given each mode of toilet a score from 1 to 10 - 1 being the lowest quality, 10 being the highest. One can clearly surmise from this study that the Portaloo comes out on top, racking up a total of 23 points. An all-rounder - this mode of toilet has a flush and a door and reasonable level of accessibility and cleanliness.

Meanwhile, the Dreaded Cesspit of Doom should be avoided at all costs, accumulating a score of - 654 points.

Of course, your particular festival may not even have portaloos. Reading festival for instance seems to favour only the Dreaded Cesspit of Doom. In other words, this whole study is actually quite pointless...

Some actual survival tips


  • Bring your own hand sanitiser and toilet paper. Even glamping-area-portaloos will run out. Forget these essentials and you're going to have a bad time.
  • Don't dose up on anti-diarrhoea pills to stop yourself from pooping - this will only mess up your digestive system and give you extra discomfort for the weekend.
  • Respect your fellow man. No-one except you will think it's funny to leave a turd on the toilet seat. You're not being a lad, you're being a selfish asshole.
  • Try a festival abroad. Outside the UK, some care seems to actually be put into the maintenance of toilets.
  • When it comes to the Dreaded Cesspit of Doom, never look down into the abyss below. You're better off being blind.

Toilet Trivia


  • An estimated 8.2 million meters of toilet paper is thought to have been used at the four biggest UK music festivals in 2012. That equates to 5,000 miles of toilet paper.
  • In 2005, Reading Festival's flushing toilets were closed down after one festival goer banged a tent peg through one of the main plumbing pipes.
  • In the same year, 168,750 gallons of human waste were taken off the festival site. That's more than the entire weight of this ship...



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