Sunday, 20 December 2015

The Worst Songs of 2015

2015 has had some great musical moments. But every year has its lows. It's time to rummage through the garbage. I wish I could say that there was some positive goal behind this list, but there isn't - we're all sadists who love to indulge in a brutal panning now and again. Praise is boring.

Saturday, 19 December 2015

My Top 20 Favourite Albums of 2015

Here it is - my favourite albums of 2015 BC! What a great year for music! The Ancient Egyptian lute scene was at it's peak. What do you mean they didn't have albums back then? Not even vinyl? Then what the hell am I supposed to write about? You want my favourite albums of AD 2015? Oh, alright then...


20. Butter Fly - Lee Scott

Butter-obsessed UK rapper Lee Scott combines entertainingly oddball rhymes and warped jazzy beats on this quirky record.

Favourite Tracks: 'Don't Make Me', 'Eight O'Clock In The Morning'

19. Sour Soul - Ghostface Killah & BADBADNOTGOOD

Playing out like a Bond movie soundtrack, this epic collab between Wu-famous rapper Ghostface Killah and Canadian jazz trio BADBADNOTGOOD has grown on me. Excuse the 3 star review.

Favourite Tracks: 'Gunshowers', 'Ray Gun'

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Review of 'Garden of Delete' by Oneohtrix Point Never

Experimental US producer Daniel Lopatin (AKA Oneohtrix Point Never) has delivered this new electronic epic inspired by hypergrunge band, Kaoss Edge.

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Review of 'Product' by SOPHIE

What's that below, you ask? I'll tell you what it is. It's a 'skin safe odourless and tasteless platinum silicon product' of course.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

The Top 10 Most Bizarre Christmas Albums

Tired of hearing the same Christmas songs year after after? Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas’ no longer invoking those feelings of festive nostalgia but rather encouraging feelings of PTSD? In need of some alternative yuletide anthems? Why not give these records a gander. The perfect accompaniment to your roast goose. Or roast turkey. Or roast ostrich if you're really dead set on taking this alternative Christmas thing to the next level.

Sunday, 29 November 2015

Review of 'AQUARIA' by Boots

Boots (not to be confused with Little Boots, Moon Boots or Puss in Boots) is an American singer and electronic producer. Some of you may know him as the dude who produced Beyoncé’s ‘Haunted’. Some of you may now him as the dude who produced that recent FKA Twigs EP. Some of you may know him as the guest vocalist on that Run the Jewels track ‘Early’. Some of you may not know him at all, in which case don’t despair, I’m here to fill you in.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Review of 'Purpose' by Justin Bieber

It's 2015 and Justin Bieber is no longer that mop-haired squeaky-voiced Canadian kid singing schmaltzy love songs for fourteen-year-old girls. No, he's now a fully-grown adult male human being with tats and a six-pack making club anthems for his fellow twenty-something drinkers.

Monday, 16 November 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 16/11/2015: Brockley Forest, Missy Elliott, Pusha T and more...


'Paris' - Thundercat

As a tribute to the devastating terrorist attacks that took place this weekend in Paris, jazz fusion bassist and singer Thundercat has composed this short melancholy instrumental.

'Rubicon' - Brockley Forest

Quite what this bluesy-rock jam has to do with exotic fruit juice, Rubicon, is beyond me. That end riff is certainly sweet, I'll give them that. (There's an Italian river called the Rubicon but I like the idea of the Bristol rock duo singing about juice more.)

'WTF (Where They From)' - Missy Elliott ft. Pharrell Williams

It's time to get your freak on! Female hip hop legend Missy Elliott is back with a new banger that's right in tone with her previous hits - sporting a wild beat, a guest verse from Pharrell Williams (he raps!) and some big-budget visuals. Missy Elliott's dance choreography never disappoints.

'Untouchable' - Pusha T

Even if Pusha T's rhymes rarely make sense as a whole, there's something beautifully vivid about his use of language: 'Let's take the scenic route/ I could show you the strange fruit/ It's looking like Beirut/ They open the washbay, I climb it like K2'. The 'scenic route' really does sum up his rapping style.


'Merry Christmas Everybody' - Train

Bleeding heck, it's that time of year already. Sorry, I'm not ready for Christmas songs yet - especially a Slade cover. The original is torture enough.

'Sorry' - Rick Ross ft. Chris Brown

It's nice to hear Chris Brown sincerely apologising for all that Rihanna business. I kind of nodded off when Rick Ross turned up though. Is there a more mediocre rapper in the game? He's the hip hop equivalent of beige, the hip hop equivalent of dry toast. Listen to this song if you like beige and dry toast.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Review of 'Me' by Empress Of

This new avant-garde dance-pop album is the masterful work of Honduran-American singer-songwriter Lorely Rodriguez AKA Empress of.

Empress of what? I tried googling an explanation behind the artist's name but came back empty-handed. Unsurprisingly, a lot of fans have been asking the same question, so much so that Lorely almost titled her album 'what? lol' so that the album text would read 'Empress of what? Lol'.

However, for better or worse, she decided against that idea, instead titling the album 'Me' as to read 'Empress of Me', which is fitting considering all the songs on this record are about taking charge of oneself. Following a personal breakup and produced and written in the solitude of her Mexico City lakehouse, 'Me' is an album inspired by being left on one's lonesome. The lyrics see Lorely indecisively coming to terms with her newfound single-ness, mourning the loss of her ex one moment and fiercely embracing her independence the next: 'Can I get up off my knees and find a rhythm of my own?'. It's an album about letting go of that bae that used to whip you, whilst at the same time wanting them back. It's an album about being your own empress but not quite knowing how.

Empress Of  looking troubled

Vocally, Lorely captures this inner turmoil well - sounding both positively bouncy and dejectedly sighful. This inner turmoil is also reflected in the quirky beats (produced by Lorely herself!). The energy is upbeat and danceable but the sounds used are twisted and pained, comprised of over-distorted digital drums and sour synths. The most noticeable example of this is the track 'Water Water', which starts with sad wails over dissonant chord splodges, later evolving into a bright house tune of sorts.

Clearly the aim is to create a confused mixture of emotions. The result is a sound that is entirely unique. To some degree you could call these pop songs - they're catchy and charmingly simple in structure. However, the strange palette of sounds and the tortured lyrics add a complexity that prevents any of these from being radio-worthy, appealing more to underground junkies like myself. I guess there are slightly Bjork-ish tones to her voice, but otherwise she's the empress of her own musical style.


Monday, 9 November 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 9/11/2015: SOPHIE, Take That, Rustie and more...


'Just Some Kids' - Piers James

Over some tasty self-produced boom bap drums and smooth synths, London rapper Piers James delivers this laid-back song about enjoying youth. I’m reminded of Tyler the Creator’s ‘Parade’ minus the obnoxiousness.


Made up largely of harsh noise, this latest track from UK producer will have a lot of people scrambling for the mute button. For some strange reason, I love it. Am I mentally well? Can pain be pleasant? Is that why people eat vindaloo? Is that why Tough Mudder exists? In any case, your welcome to give this track a listen. It’s humorous if nothing else – especially those tinkly interludes towards the back end of the track juxtaposed against the ominous din like Barney the Dinosaur spliced into The Exorcist. 

'Hey Boy' - Take That

Yuck, Take That?! My mum listens to them. Sadly, I can’t get enough of this new single. The funk is undeniable. Maybe if I close my eyes and imagine its Duran Duran it’ll all be okay.

'Peace Upzzz' - Rustie

Opening with some blindingly bright tremolo synths, this new instrumental from the Scottish producer teases and teases until finally allowing some percussion to break through. Rustie’s biggest mistake recently in his tracks has been hurling too much at the listener too soon, so I am glad to see him restraining himself a little.

'Shakes' - World Champion

Unknown Aussie duo World Champion deliver this upbeat indie dance number. Drowsy vocals and distant synths add a psychedelic edge. It’s like Tame Impala and The Stone Roses have had a baby.


The Knocks & Matthew Koma – I Wish (My Taylor Swift)

A song about Taylor Swift? Is this what pop stars have resorted to – singing about other pop stars? I can’t wait for Taylor Swift to write a song about The Knocks and Matthew Koma. 

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Review of 'Delirium' by Ellie Goulding

Ellie Goulding has a voice like a cartoon mouse on helium. I’m not sure it’s a cadence I’m entirely keen on, but I respect it’s individuality. Without this vocal tone, the UK singer would arguably have nothing going for her, especially apparent on this album which instrumentally is nothing more than a bunch of watered-down eighties synthpop tracks that wouldn’t sound out of place on Taylor Swift’s last record nor Carly Rae Jepsen’s. The intro is vaguely gothic and avant-garde, I guess. And the twangy guitars on ‘On My Mind’ sound like something The Police might have played with. However, these brief moments do nothing to spice up an otherwise vanilla pop album. 


Monday, 2 November 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 2/11/2015: Timbaland, A Sunny Day in Glasgow, Pink Lung and more...


'Nebula' - Sam Gellaitry

Sometimes I think I could be a bedroom producer. Then I hear a track like this and I’m immediately inclined to delete FL studio and take up fishing or some other hobby instead.

'Uncertain' - Kelly Lee Owens

If you’ve ever wanted to feel like the floating hot wax in a lava lamp then this zero-gravity psych-pop song from London singer Kelly Lee Owens ought to fulfil your weird fantasy.

'Them Jeans' - Timbaland ft. Migos

What’s in them jeans?’. Timbaland’s dirty talk lyrics are nothing special, and I’m not even going to pretend to be a Migos fan. If I’m totally honest I’m just in love with the old-skool beat. Did Timbaland produce it? It sounds like DJ Mustard but upped in tempo.

'Hey, You’re Mine' - A Sunny Day in Glasgow

Philly dream pop collective, A Sunny Day in Glasgow, fortunately have a sound that is just as imaginative as their band name. ‘Hey, You’re Mine’ is their latest single – a sparkly marching shoegaze song about being proudly in love with someone. The mood is overwhelmingly triumphant. I feel like climbing a mountain after listening to this song.

'Chinese Watermelon' – Pink Lung

Canadian rock bands White Lung and Pink Mountaintops have merged to create Pink Lung. I’m not familiar with either of the previous bands but after hearing this theatrical jam, I may have to explore both group’s back catalogues. A Halloween-themed music video supplements the song, the majority of which is utterly bonkers and nonsensical. I expected nothing less from a song named ‘Chinese Watermelon’.


'Walnuts' - Chief Keef

Chicago emcee, Chief Keef, delivers this rambling ode to bitches and marijuana performed with all the energy of a wounded snail. 

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Review of 'The Anthropocene Extinction' by Cattle Decapitation

San Diego deathgrind band Cattle Decapitation have dropped the hippy ethos. No longer are all their members vegetarians and no longer do they write songs about mankind's mistreatment of animals. Instead, they've turned to psychopathic songs about their hatred of humanity. Their last album contained romantic song titles such as ‘A Living, Breathing Piece of Defecating Meat’ and ‘Dead Set on Suicide’. This album meanwhile settles for less explicit (but equally misanthropic) titles such as ‘Not Suitable For Life’ and ‘The Burden of Seven Billion’. Fittingly evil lyrics ensue, all to the accompaniment of blast beats, machine gun riffs and bowel-emptying breakdowns. Cattle Decapitation have never been softies sonically. On this record they attempt to show off their entire arsenal of extreme techniques. Most metal bands are a one trick pony but Cattle Decapitation seem to be both masters of breakneck speed and crawling sludge. Their vocalist Travis Ryan also shows impressive versatility – alternating between death growls, black metal screeches and a unique semi-sung snarl that sounds like its being delivered by a toothless pirate. Occasionally, the band don’t quite know how to integrate all their ideas into a flowing song – shoving riffs and  interludes together in a start-stop motion. It’s all very exciting, albeit a little messy.

Saturday, 24 October 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 24/10/2015: Drake, Boots, Savages and more...


‘Hotline Bling’ – Drake

Yes, I understand this track’s been out a couple months now, but have you seen the new visuals to go with it? Drake visits a James Turrell exhibition and gets his dad dance on. Watch here.

 ‘C.U.R.E’ – Boots

There’s an almost sleazy tone to Boots’ sing-rapping that I’m not 100% keen on, but the hard-hitting beat makes up for it. The US singer and producer has been touring with Run the Jewels recently and I can see some of El-P’s influence creeping through in his production.

 ‘Dairy Queen’ – PWR BTTM

Brooklyn queer punk band deliver this eccentric rock song about being preoccupied in the shower. One line contemplates going to Disney world to ‘fuck shit up’. Is there a meaning to it all? I don’t know.

‘Gold Coat (ft. Cuushe)’ – IGLOOGHOST

The second ALL CAPS artist to feature this week – UK electronic producer IGLOOGHOST – delivers this glitchy maze of woozy synths, 808s and pitch-shifted vocal clips. IGLOOGHOST has recently been signed to Flying Lotus’s label Brainfeeder. FlyLo fans may notice a resemblance in sound. 

‘The Answer’ – Savages

The latest track from all-female post-punk band Savages is indeed savage – the wild guitar riffage and machine-gun-like snare rolls make me want to start up a mosh pit right here, right now, in my bedroom, with my cat. IT'S HAPPENING


 ‘I Don’t Wanna Go To Bed’ – Simple Plan ft. Nelly

Remember Canadian pop punk band Simple Plan from the early noughties? This is what they've become. Listening to this song without the Baywatch-inspired visuals, I can’t even tell which verse is Nelly. 

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Review of 'V' by Wavves

My head huuurts’ and ‘everything sucks if you don’t get your way’ make up some of the moody hooks on this new album from San Diego rock band Wavves. If it weren’t for the ridiculously bouncy instrumentals, I’d think frontman Nathan Williams was a right sourpuss. Instead the unfittingly upbeat surf rock guitars turn the whole thing into a fun downer mockery – a woe-is-me album that seems to rejoice all of Nathan’s grumbles.

Admittedly, there isn’t much to distinguish one song from the next –the majority of the tracklist melding into a blur of stroppy exclamations and twangy riffs. Only the track ‘Pony’ delivers both a memorable melody and message - a breezy breakup anthem that pokes fun of fake optimism with the line ‘It gets better’, whilst simultaneously seeming to embrace that sentiment.

Overly-polished production remains the only the other issue. Wavves have come a long way since the sloppy, lo-fi fuzz of their debut (which sounded like it had been recorded with a potato), and whilst I do like the tight groove that Wavves’ newly-found shiny production brings, some of it also makes these songs feel a bit stiff. More moments such as the crackly effects found on ‘Leadhead’ could have countered this.


Thursday, 15 October 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 15/10/2015: Formation, Kelela, Raury and more...


'All the Rest is Noise' - Formation

South London brotherly duo, Formation, drop this groovy pop number punctuated by bright chord stabs, fat synth-bass and cowbells. It’s just the kind of track needed to brighten up these grey October days.

'Rewind' - Kelela

Breathy vocals ride a futuristic 808-heavy beat on this new glittery pop song from US singer Kelela. Fans of FKA Twigs may dig it – imagine her style made danceable.

'Dead to Me' - God Damn

‘YOU’RE DEEEEAD! DEEEAD! DEEEAD! DEAD TO ME!’ screams frontman, Thom, his vocal cords at tearing point. This new loud and angry track from Wolverhampton rock duo God Damn has all the subtlety of a punch in the face. All you Coldplay-loving softies can fuck off. This is rock with ten ton testicles. This is rock for beating your chest to. This is rock for beating your wife to (whoah! Maybe that’s taking things a bit far! And, to be honest, I don’t mind Coldplay.)

'Forbidden Knowledge' - Raury ft. Big KRIT

Do we have too much access to information in the internet age? Are we using it to better ourselves instead of bettering everyone around us? Atlanta hip hop/folk musician, Raury, seems to think so in this thinking man’s rap piece, delivered in a pensive flow that clearly takes influence from Andre 3000. Speedy Mississippi emcee, Big KRIT, also contributes a verse towards the end. The instrumental’s also pretty sweet.

'Painted White' - Woozy

‘Sadgaze/Bummercore’ – that’s the genre that these guys label themselves under. I couldn’t describe this New Orleans group’s sound better myself. Beginning as a fuzzy and garish riff fest, this track slowly dissipates into a soft hypnotic lull – the vocals shifting from punky yelling to stoner groaning to breezy sigh-singing. For three minutes, it’s quite a journey.


'Hen and Cookies' – OJ Da Juiceman & Benzino

‘Hen’ is short for ‘Hennessey’ and ‘Cookies’ is slang for weed (I looked it up on Urban Dictionary – I was curious). Otherwise there’s nothing interesting to report on this track. Just another generic party rap tune. Move along.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 08/10/2015: Drake, Tom Misch, Hopsin and more...


'Can I' - Drake ft. Beyonce 

Bey fans don’t get too excited. The pop queen’s contribution in this song is literally one line ‘Can I, baby?’ looped over and over again. Still, the way in which it is weaved into both Drake’s bars and the slow, gloomy beat makes for a hypnotic and creative song idea. Let’s hope this is the full version (it does seem a little short) and not another unfinished leak.

'High' - Tom Misch

Mmm those chords. They’re like caramel. Excuse my munchies. This London producer's latest chill-out piece has made me feel just like its title.

'No Words' - Hopsin

Having never been keen on the garbled rap style of Young Thug and Future, I’m glad this satirical diss-track has been made. I’m also glad that the sometimes all-too-serious Hopsin is able to show a sense of humour for once. Also, THIS SHIT GOES HARD BRUH

'Six Mil' - Sam Carter

This bedroom-produced electronic instrumental features some intense percussion layering that had me hooked. The ‘#footfetishwork’ Soundcloud tag also made me chuckle.


'The Love Within' - Bloc Party

I’d almost forgotten about Bloc Party. Sadly, this isn’t the raw and upbeat indie rock I remember. Lead vocalist, Kele, sounds like he’s singing a nursery rhyme and that tuneless gaudy synth makes me want to puke.

'Something’s Not Right' - Lily Allen

I’d almost forgotten about Lily Allen. Sadly, this isn’t the feisty pop diva I remember. The whole thing sounds like a corny kids movie ballad. Oh wait it is

Monday, 5 October 2015

Review of '100% Electronica' by George Clanton

The title isn’t a lie. This is 100% electronica. But not the bargain bucket house music that the plain title seems to suggest.

 Brooklyn vaporwave producer and singer George Clanton definitely has his own unique style going on – a hypnotic and warped emulation of eighties nostalgia. New-Order-esque croons ride woozy synths and echoey eighties drums. What makes it more than simply another retro album is the bleary-eyed effects layered over the top. Lashings of reverb and wobbly detune leave each track feeling dreamy and hazy like a mirage. 

There’s a vivid neon brightness to it all that makes me picture myself in a smoky night club surrounded by perms and bandanas. However, under the happy brightness lies a dark undertone, sonically evident in the 8-bit droning intro of ‘Warmspot’ and the brief broken vocals of ‘Bleed’, but more obvious in the melancholy lyrics which tell stories of heartbreak: ‘Someone else can make you happy/ Someone else can show you a good time’. True nostalgia is as depressively longing as it is beautiful after all and George Clanton captures the true essence of this, also throwing in some dark and sexual humour reminiscent of Ariel Pink as to not come across as too sentimental: 'Someone else can bite until you bleed'. 


Thursday, 1 October 2015

Review of 'Caracal' by Disclosure

The warm chords are back as found on ‘Hourglass’. And the percussion is still as old skool as before, as evident on ‘Jaded’. This is undoubtedly the same UK EDM bro duo that gave us Settle.  

But where is the energy? If Settle was a roller-coaster then this follow-up album is a teacup ride. You could dance to Settle. You can’t dance to this album. You can barely stroll to it.

Instead of catchy house anthems, Caracal offers a series of slow synth swells that build but never erupt, accompanied by largely forgettable vocal performances.

Considering the star-studded cast of guest singers it doesn’t make much sense. Miguel is on this album. So is The Weeknd. And, oh lordy, so is Lorde!

These are big exciting names that should have provided big exciting vocals. Instead they come across sounding like lifeless and indistinguishable nobodies. Only soul artist Gregory Porter offers any heart into his performance. The rest of the guests sound like they’re only there to pick up their pay cheque.

And maybe money is wholly to blame here. Everyone on this album is coasting on their fame, lazing back on their wads of cash waiting for more to come flooding in. There are no attempts to do anything vibrant or new. Disclosure’s blend of deep house and garage has always relied on retro ideas, but on Settle it managed to feel fresh. It provided a sweet antidote to the robotic fart music dominating the clubs at the time.

Two years have passed and the EDM landscape has changed. No longer are Disclosure the sole owners of their niche. A hundred copycats have sprung up around them – the like of Shift K3Y and Gorgon City and Duke Dumont – and Disclosure have done nothing to stay ahead of the game and stand out.

Only the funk-flavoured ‘Masterpiece’ and deluxe-version-only semi-trap number ‘Moving Mountains’ try to take a new direction. Otherwise, the Lawrence Brothers seem to just be churning out the same house songs as before, but with less fire in their belly.


Tuesday, 29 September 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 29/09/2015: Wavves, Pope Francis, Isaiah Rashad and more...


'Pony' - Wavves

It gets better’ sings frontman Nathan Williams in a tone that is as hopeful as it is doubtful. If all the tracks on this San Diego band’s new album are of the same quality as this bouncy, breezy breakup anthem then pin me down cos this record’s going to blow me away!

'Wake up! Go! Go! Forward!' - Pope Francis

The pope is releasing a rock album later this year. The actual pope. I’m not kidding. It’s going to feature excerpts from speeches he’s done over predominantly rock instrumentals. Here’s the first taster, a proggy King-Crimson flavoured number, and it’s actually surprisingly good. Horns up in appreciation (wait, is that blasphemous?). Listen to it here.

'The Lavishments of Light Looking' – WOKE (Flying Lotus, Shabazz Palaces & Thundercat) ft. George Clinton

Avant-garde electronic producer Flying Lotus, experimental hip hop duo Shabazz Palaces, slinky bassist/singer Thundercat and funk pioneer George Clinton all team up for this warped jazz trip. I’m still trying to dissect my way through the labyrinth of instrumental layers. The fact that there is still a groove beneath it all is quite a miracle. Who knows what this supergroup have planned next?

'BBQ Grill' - Jon Oh

I can barely make out what this dude is spitting about? The monstrously bassy beat somewhat buries him but, oh well, I do like a bit of monstrous bass. My neighbours hate it.

'Nelly' - Isaiah Rashad

This Tennessee rapper is the master of smooth. His velvety sing-rapping in this song accompanied by the smoky beat is enough to make me forget all my troubles. Not that I have any troubles. I AM PERFECT


'My House' - Flo Rida

The piano beat is straight out the cookie-cutter, as is the materialistic drivel over the top. ‘Open up the champagne, pop/ It’s my house, come on, turn it up!’ If you want to try and serenade me Flo Rida you’re going to have to try harder than that. 

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

The Worst Types of Music Fan

I like music. Some of you who regularly read this blog may have realised this. It's always nice to talk to people who share my passion for music. However, there are some fellow music fans who are not a joy to talk to. You've probably come across them before. Here is a spotter’s guide:


The caveman gave up listening to new music in 1990 but still believes themselves to be an authority on the current state of the music industry. They take great pride in discussing the good ole’ days, back before all that ‘rap crap’ and ‘thud thud club music’, back when musicians actually played instruments and didn’t just fiddle around on a computer, back when you could still smoke in pubs and smack children. Trying to convince them that there’s still good music out there is futile. They don’t have time to Google search ‘Royal Blood’. They don’t fully understand the internet and still type with one index finger. Their favourite band is Queen.  Your dad is probably one of them.

Your dad


The neo-caveman similarly despises all modern music, despite being born after 1990. They believe themselves to be the sole guardian of a lost art, regarding the rest of their age group as ignorant One-Direction-loving Eloi. ‘Have you heard of the Rolling Stones?’ they ask. They expect you to have never heard of the Rolling Stones. ‘I was born in the wrong generation’ they lament. 'My generation sucks'. Rather be born in the sixties, eh? Throw away your smartphone then. Throw away your laptop too, the laptop that you use to stream all that sixties music you listen to.


The hipster only listens to music you’ve never heard of. They used to be a fan of The Atlanta Spoon Project, until you started listening to them. Now they consider The Atlanta Spoon Project too popular, too mainstream. ‘They’ve sold out,’ they tell you, sipping on a smoothie made from fruits you’ve never heard of, which they bought from some vegan café you’ve never heard of. ‘I liked them before they were famous, back when they only had 50 Youtube views. I liked them before they were even musicians. In fact, I liked them before they were even born’. Hipsters pride being individual over being themselves. Fortunately, with ‘hipster’ becoming such a dirty word, this species of music fan has become virtually extinct.


Hipsters of the heavy metal universe, the metal elitist only listens to metal bands you’ve never heard of. They live by a strict code, only listening to demo tapes from Scandinavian black metal groups with unreadable band logos recorded in someone’s shed. Any band that doesn’t fit this criteria – any band that has any kind of mild popularity – is deemed ‘poser metal’. This includes anything from Limp Bizkit to Slayer. None of this is ‘true metal’. As for the whole Satanism shtick, the metal elitist naively thinks it’s all serious.   

Band logo must be unreadable


They’re wearing a Nirvana shirt they bought in Primark, despite never having listened to Nirvana. ‘I saw them live in 2009,’ they tell you. ‘Kirk Coltrane is my idol.’ Their efforts to impress you are adorably embarrassing. You wish they’d just admit they don’t like Nirvana, that they prefer Calvin Harris. Give it a week and they’ll be donning a Ramones tee, telling everyone how punk they are.


Isn’t the weather beautiful,’ they say whilst waiting in the line at the Post Office. ‘that reminds me of my favourite song, You’re Beautiful’. I do like James Blunt. I happen to have all his albums. CD, vinyl and cassette. Got a lot of his merchandise too. I ordered a James Blunt Monopoly board today. Waiting for it now. I’ve even got a tattoo of his face on my butt. And a tattoo of his butt on my face! I know everything about James Blunt. I know his favourite ice cream flavour, the primary school he went to, his shoe size, his blood type – you name it! I hope to meet him one day. Got an engagement speech planned and everything. Can you guess what my pet dog’s name is?’. A combination of the word ‘stalker’ and ‘fan’, the stan couldn’t be more polar opposite to the poser. Their James Blunt tee is torn and faded. You will never be as big a fan as they are. To them, you might as well be a poser.

A typical James Blunt stan

Monday, 21 September 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 21/09/2015: DOOMSTARKS, Guerilla Toss, Meow The Jewels and more...


'Lively Hood' - DOOMSTARKS

How much longer must we wait? These balls can’t get any bluer. It’s been almost ten years since veteran rappers Ghostface Killah and MF Doom announced they’d be teaming up for an album under the alias ‘Doomstarks’. Finally we have ‘Lively Hood’ – a collaborative single with a badass orchestral beat that may possibly be a hint that the new record is at last in the pipeline. I can just picture the deadly duo in their volcano lair laughing sadistically at the steadily growing impatience of their fanbase.

'Polly’s Crystal' - Guerilla Toss

New York noise punk band Guerilla Toss have a twisted sound that slowly sucks you in against your will like a tornado. Bleepy synths and unsettlingly dissonant guitars ride a hypnotic groove in this new seven-minute psychotic carousel ride, topped with some unhinged female sing-shouting. Can you believe the frontwoman used to be in a gospel choir?

'Dream' - Long Beard

‘Dream’ certainly lives up to its name. The New Brunswick band combine distant vocals and reverb-soaked guitars to create a lulling atmosphere that’s as warm as your childhood bed. You’ll want to curl up and suck your thumb.

'The Nile' - Kisses

Here’s some indie disco for all your indie disco needs. It builds up subtly from a galloping funky bassline, climaxing with some pretty horns. Is ‘The Nile’ title a reference to Nile Rodgers?

'Oh Darling Don’t Meow' - Meow the Jewels

US rap duo, Run the Jewels, drop another cat-noise remix. Yes, the beat is made entirely of meows and yes, somehow it still bangs as much as the original.


'Ride' - Lowell (feat. Icona Pop)

An overdistorted bassline and a sweary chorus make this the perfect track for any teenage rebel looking for a brattier version of Charli XCX.

Monday, 14 September 2015

Review of 'Beauty Behind the Madness' by The Weeknd

 ‘Can’t Feel My Face’ is the kind of funky, feelgood love song that momentarily restores your faith in the radio. Sadly it’s also the only song of it’s kind on this album.

 The rest see Canadian r&b singer Abel Tesfaye (AKA The Weeknd) continuing his love for moody odes to self-indulgence, only this time coated with a sterile pop sheen. The instrumentals do try to be diverse, some borrowing from eighties synthpop such as ‘In The Night’, others from modern trap such as ‘Often’. There’s even an acoustic duet with Ed Sheeran shoehorned in the mix. However, this sonic smorgasbord is rendered flat and monotonous due to the forgettable vocal melodies and moany lyrics layered over the top. These tracks seem to have none of the catchiness or energy of ‘Can’t Feel My Face’, Abel resorting to a soft whimper whilst whining about the amount of non-committal sex he has. Indeed, clearly some listeners enjoy Abel’s confessions of a man-slut, but I am neither seduced nor sympathetic. Instead I am just left bored, and sex should never be boring.


Saturday, 12 September 2015

BEST AND WORST NEW TRACKS OF THE WEEK 12/09/2015: Oneohtrix Point Never, Nick Brewer, Miley Cyrus and more...


‘Please Eloise’ – Flyte

Eloise isn’t a name I’ve come across before. I guess nowadays you’ve got to get creative given almost every other female name has been taken and used in a song. Anyhow, all that aside, this is a damn good indie rock track packing some serious groove and an explosive chorus you’ll inadvertently find yourself singing the next morning in the shower. This London band could be ones to watch.

‘I Bite Through It’ – Oneohtrix Point Never

Never one for conventionality, US electronic producer Oneohtrix Point Never delivers this digital glitchfest. It ski-ski-skips along like a scratched record, whilst skilfully managing to be both melodic and emotive. A full album, Garden of Delete, is set to drop soon.

‘Myths’ – Frank Gamble

These vocals sound bloody awesome. Is this even a dude singing? I mean, I don’t know many chicks named Frank, but that range is extraordinary. The glittery semi-trap instrumental is pretty awesome too.

‘Talk To Me’ - Nick Brewer

I know the beat’s stolen from Crystal Waters’ ‘Gypsy Woman’ and I know T.I. already sampled it, but UK hip hop artist Nick Brewer’s smooth rapping still manages to bring a new sense of life to it.

‘Ready Aim Fire’ – Lexi Scherr

Don’t we have enough eighties nostalgia floating around right now? Probably, but this Chicago singer’s new upbeat single trumps most of them.


Dooo it! – Miley Cyrus

Why they put the dick in the pussy?’ See my Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz review. Although you probably have ears so no doubt don’t need me to justify what’s wrong with this song.

Review of 'Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz' by Miley Cyrus

That's it. I’m throwing my Hannah Montana DVD box sets in the skip. Who does this outrageous woman think she is, poisoning the minds of children? Does she not think of the children? WILL NO-ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

If cutting her hair and twerking wasn’t enough to rile her original fanbase, the Disney Channel sweetheart has now decided to abandon pop music entirely, teaming up with experimental rockers The Flaming Lips and hip hop producer Mike-Will-Made-it to create this left-field psychedelic album lyrically centred around sex, her love of the herb and her dead pet blowfish.

It’s taken me a while to get my head around what the hell is going on here. I can only assume that this is Miley’s way of telling the world she’s no longer a pawn to the pop industry, that she can do whatever she likes.

The album opens with the line: ‘Yeah I smoke pot/ Yeah I love peace/ But I don’t give a fuck/ I’m no hippy’. Here we learn everything - that Miley not only wants to rebel against her status as a pop star, she wants to defy all labels entirely: ‘I’m no hippy’. 

 You’ve got to give some credit to Miley for breaking free from her pop shackles and creating an album that is entirely hers. Even when told by peers that the album was too long, Miley responded by adding another track to the ninety minute leviathan entitled ‘Miley Tibetan Bowlzzz’.

That said, as much of a beautiful expression of freedom this album is, by doing away with editors Miley has now revealed her total and utter lack of song-writing ability.

The tracks on Dead Petz fall mainly into two categories: unlistenably obnoxious and unlistenably boring. The unlistenably obnoxious tracks are produced by Mike-Will-Made-It and see Miley trying overly hard to shock her listeners. The result is lots of gross sexual imagery that no-one wants to hear (‘you fingered my heart’) and lots of use of the word ‘fuck’ because Miley thinks that’s so fucking edgy. In contrast, the unlistenably boring tracks see Miley desperately pushing forward her stoner side to the accompaniment of droning Flaming Lips instrumentals. The lyrics on these tracks are largely spacey babble and are moaned out in a style similar to Lana Del Ray in order to sound druggy or alternative or something like that (I already hated Lana Del Ray. You can imagine how I feel about a cheap Lana Del Ray imitation).

Clearly, Mike-Will-Made-It and The Flaming Lips are also to blame here, as they fail to produce any kind of exciting backdrop for Miley to lay her shoddy lack of poetry over. I guess you could make an exception with ‘Slab of Butter (Scorpion)’, which does feature a pretty groovy guitar interlude that gets the shoulders moving. I also love the trippy sample in ‘Milky Milk Milk’ taken from The Flaming Lips' The Terror (although the lyrics over the top about licking milky nipples kind of ruins the mood).

Overall, there are probably only two good songs on this album lyric-wise (two out of twenty-three - not bad). The first is ‘BB Talk’ in which Miley genuinely comes across as sincere whist discussing previous relationships. The second is  ‘Pablow the Blowfish’ in which Miley genuinely comes across as funny, mourning the passing of her dead blowfish and hoping he’ll find love in the afterlife with a seahorse named Sadie (I admit, it made me chuckle). Both are surprisingly emotional and show that Miley can be endearing when she wants to be.

Sadly, these tracks can’t make up for the rest of the album, which tries so offensively hard to offend that they might as well be cherries placed decoratively on the top of a steaming turd. In fact, the album is so desperately offensive in every way possible, I fail to see any audience Miley had in mind other than herself. It’s lack of hooks and experimental instrumentation deliberately alienates pop fans, but it’s dumbed-down lyrics are just as much an insult to chin-stroking indie fans (e.g. 'Why they put the dick in the pussy?'). Maybe Miley simply gets a kick out of being the sole person who enjoys her music - in which case this is a vanity project and whilst we are left feeling empty, she is left feeling complete. Selfish bitch.


Monday, 7 September 2015

Review of 'Pathology' by Trails and Ways

I’m glad Trails and Ways aren’t another depressing wannabe-Smiths indie band. I’m also depressed that it’s taken me until September to give this album a listen when it could have been fuelling my summer.

Pathology is music for dancing on the beach to. Sewn into the band’s breezy rock sound are jaunty flecks of funk and lilts of Latin that transport the listen to foreign white sands. Vocalists Keith Brower Brown and Hannah Van Loon meanwhile provide a winning male/female combo, singing breathily over the dainty instrumentation. Lyrics dabble in Portuguese, which might sound pretentious but instead only adds to the exotic, sunny feel of the album.

The tempo is pretty similar throughout which leads to a certain degree of sameyness, but there’s enough dynamics in the texture of each song to counteract this. Songs like ‘Mtn Tune’ are more flamenco-influenced, whilst ‘Heavy Sleeper’ has more of a dreamy warped power-ballad feel.

Entirely bedroom-produced, Pathology manages to sound glossy and anything but amateurish. Let’s hope these guys can become more than the local Cali band they are at the moment and attract the ears of listeners worldwide as they justly deserve.