Sunday 20 December 2015

The Worst Songs of 2015

2015 has had some great musical moments. But every year has its lows. It's time to rummage through the garbage. I wish I could say that there was some positive goal behind this list, but there isn't - we're all sadists who love to indulge in a brutal panning now and again. Praise is boring.

10. 'I'm an Albatraoz' - AronChupa

'A strong woman, or in other words a boss ass bitch'. That's what Urban Dictionary claims an Albatraoz is. To me it's just another annoying made-up word. And that flatulent oom-pa-pa beat makes me want to puke.

9. 'I Don't Wanna Go To Bed' - Simple Plan ft. Nelly

Where do I begin? The schmaltzy lyrics? The fact that, without the Baywatch-inspired visuals, I can't even tell which verse is Nelly? And didn't Simple Plan used to be a pop punk band? Now they sound like Maroon 5. These artists' glory days are clearly long behind them.

8. 'Trap Lust' - Lil Debbie

'My bank account give me orgasms' - that's just weird. In fact, pretty much all the rhymes coming out of this valley girl's mouth seem a bit awkward. 'I'll turn into Dracula/ money flipping with the spatula/ black diamonds from Africa'. What a waste of a good beat.

7. 'Watch Me' - Silento

Instructional dance songs can be fun. This isn't. It has none of the accessibility of the 'Cha Cha Slide'. Stop telling people to break their legs. And the part where he repeats 'bop' twenty times is plain lazy.

6. 'Bitch I'm Madonna' - Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj

Call me ageist, but there are some things fifty-seven-year olds shouldn't do -  like delivering sweary raps about drinking all night long over dirty Diplo-produced instrumentals. Maybe if The Queen of Clubs didn't take herself so seriously, I could get behind this. But alas, Madonna has all the humour of a corpse.

5. 'Time of Our Lives' - Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo

Can't pay your rent? Pitbull and Ne-Yo have the answer - go out clubbing and fritter away more of that money you don't have. Drink yourself into homelessness, you'll have the time of your life! #yolo #carpediem (Honestly, someone get Pitbull put down - and pull the plug of Ne-Yo whilst your at it!)

4. 'Pretty' - Iggy Azalea & Britney Spears

'Fancy' was bratty enough, but now Iggy's taken things one step further, singing about how pretty she is like the bitchy prom queen from a college movie. Britney Spears meanwhile tries to prove her relevance by singing along, ultimately failing.

3. 'Dooo It' - Miley Cyrus

'Yeah I smoke pot/ yeah I love peace/ but I don't give a fuck/ I'm no hippy'. That's the opening line. 'why they put the dick in the pussy?'. That's the closing line. Is it even possible for Miley to be more obnoxious?

2. 'Hokay Hokay Hokay' - Slug Christ

I know people complain that rap lyrics are getting dumb, but this takes the piss. This dude isn't even bothering to use real words for half of this track. To make matters worse, he sounds like McLovin from Superbad.

1. 'My Dick' - 3OH!3

At first I thought 3OH!3 were some kind of parody act similar to The Lonely Island. It turns out they're not - this song really is just two EDM bros boasting about the size of their genitalia. Overcompensating much?

So yeah, 2015, what a year!