Tired of hearing the same Christmas songs year after after?
Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas’ no longer invoking those feelings of festive nostalgia but
rather encouraging feelings of PTSD? In need of some alternative yuletide
anthems? Why not give these records a gander. The perfect accompaniment to your
roast goose. Or roast turkey. Or roast ostrich if you're really dead set on taking this
alternative Christmas thing to the next level.
10. A Colt .45 Christmas - Afroman
Anyone familiar with Afroman will know his songs tend to stray a little on the naughty side. This 2006 Christmas album is no exception, each
track centred entirely around either drugs, sex, crime or alcohol. Track titles
include ‘Deck my Balls’ and ‘I Wish You Would Roll a New Blunt’. Buy this album
for your eight-year old nephew.
9. Christmas on Mars - The Flaming Lips
Psychedelic rock band The Flaming Lips released a sci-fi
movie back in 2008 accompanied by this kaleidoscopic soundtrack album. Why not
lace this year’s Christmas pudding with LSD, put this on and let the trippy sounds consume you as you lay paralytic on the floor transfixed by the colour-changing LEDs on your tree.
Fun for all the family.
8. Hung for the Holidays - William Hung
Failed American Idol auditionee William Hung sings
traditional Christmas songs in a heavy Chinese accent. Is the album title ‘Hung
For The Holidays’ supposed to be some kind of pun? I’m not really sure.
7. Christmas Dubstep - Christmas Dubstep
The perfect gift for your grandparents.
6. Christmas on Death
Row - Various Artists (Death Row Records)
Who doesn’t like to be reminded of capital punishment around
this time of the year? This 1996 compilation album contains g-funk renditions
of all your favourite Christmas songs, plus some original numbers such as
‘Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto’. Snoop Dogg is on it. Santa most
definitely bumps this in his sleigh.
5. Christmas in the
Stars - Meco Monardo
Forget paying to see ‘The Force Awakens’ this winter. Spend
your hard-earned cash on this festive album instead. C3PO sings hymns with
guest vocals from R2-D2 and Chewbacca in this forgotten 1980 album. Undoubtedly
the best thing to come out of the Star Wars universe, with the obvious
exception of Jar Jar Binks.
4. A Heavy Metal Christmas - Christopher Lee
Unbeknown to many, the late British actor Christopher Lee
had a passion for heavy metal. Such was this passion that at the grand age of
80 he decided to pursue a career as a metal singer. This is one of two
Christmas-themed metal EPs from Saruman himself. Take this to church and play it during Mass.
3. The Greatest Christmas Novelty CD Of All Time - Dr Demento
This aged novelty collection of Xmas tunes contains a diverse range of artists from the likes of Spike Jones to Cheech & Chong. There's even a fun rendition of 'Jingle Bells' as sampled above, remixed entirely out of dog woofs. Everyone loves dogs. Beautiful slobbering, noise-making, smelly creatures. They taste great with noodles.
2. Rockabye Christmas –
Jingle Babies
'Real babies sing holiday classics' promises the text below the giant disembodied infant head on the album cover. And that's just what this album is - festive numbers remixed entirely out of baby noises. Everyone loves babies. Beautiful slobbering,
noise-making, smelly creatures. They taste great with noodles.
1. A Very Brutal Christmas - Austrian Death Machine
So, your great-great -grandmother is an obsessive Arnold
Schwarzenegger fan? But she’s already got a blu-ray copy of Jingle All The Way? It's a problem we're all familiar with. What else do you buy that beloved Terminator-quoting centenarian for Christmas? Here’s a hint – why not buy them this
Christmas-themed Arnold-Schwarzenegger-themed thrash metal EP courtesy of San
Diego band, Austrian Death Machine. Vocals come courtesy of As I Lay Dying frontman,
Tim Lambesis. It’ll have your great-great-gran wind-milling her hair. There’ll be a
circle pit in the retirement home lounge. And don’t tell me old people don’t
like metal – just look at Christopher Lee.