WARNING: this is not one of those lists of campy Halloween
classics like Michael Jackson’s Thriller
and Bobby Pickett’s The Monster Mash.
This list is for pure fear-chasing sadists who are ready to surrender their
bowels and suffer endless nightmares for years to come. You’ll want to exorcize
your speakers after listening to these records – not that Satan had any part in
the creation of these albums; in fact, he’s still rocking back and forth in the
corner of his bedroom after listening to these monstrosities, muttering to
himself ‘Why? Why did I scar myself by
reading that terrifying list on Music Related Junk?’. Basically, get off
this list now if you’ve got a weak heart. You have been warned.
5) Nature
Unveiled - Current 93
This 1984 cauldron of Gregorian chanting, pitched-down
pianos and trippy effects-slathered chants still sounds absolutely terrifying to this day.
It’s like playing with a Ouija board on shrooms. The substance of David Tibet’s
incantations is difficult to make out. He could be reading off a shopping list
for most the album for all I know. Not that it matters as the warped delivery would
still be disturbing enough.
Amount of bricks shat: 13
4) Suicide – Suicide
There’s one track on this 1977 album titled ‘Frankie
Teardrop’ which earns Suicide a place
on this list. You can listen to it above if you dare. Vocalist Alan Vega
narrates the twisted story of an overworked man driven to murdering his family,
which would have been creepy enough itself – but then he goes and throws in
some blood-curdling jump-scare shrieks. The whole album’s a little dark, but
this track takes the cake.
Amount of bricks shat: 666
3) Outre - Portal
Portal make every other extreme metal band sound like Disney
music. Outre is their magnum opus
horribilis (basically, it’s truly harrowing shit). You know it’s going to be a
bad trip as soon as those atonal murky guitars come in like some giant Frankenstein
slug made of sewn-together corpses rising out of a swamp. What follows is a
lightless, unforgiving descent through the audial abyss. As you claw onto any sense of hope, the album responds by dragging you deeper into its horrifying depths. Portal claim to be from
Australia, but I think they may have mistaken 'down under' for the ninth circle of Hell.
Amount of bricks shat: ENOUGH TO REBUILD THE PYRAMIDS OF
GIZA
2) Bestial
Burden - Pharmakon
After an emergency operation led her to have an unspecified
organ removed, noise artist Margaret Chardiet (AKA Pharmakon) decided to
release this visceral and utterly fucked-up ode to bodily mutilation. Synth
drones as cold as the chopped up limbs in a psychopath’s freezer and industrial clangs darker and more distorted than a dusty VHS snuff film make up the
backdrop to Margaret’s vocals, which are a mixture of tortured screams, breathless
gasps and even the sound of her vomiting on one track. You’ll be listening
through one headphone.
Amount of bricks shat: ENOUGH TO BUILD THE GREAT WALL OF
CHINA AND THE TRUMP WALL COMBINED
1) Projekt Misanthropia - Stalaggh
Stalaggh shouldn’t exist, but it does. These bastards took
it too far. ‘Stalaggh’ is a combination of the word ‘stalag’ (a Nazi
concentration camp) and GH (which apparently stands for Global Holocaust). The
vocals are actual screams from mental asylum patients (supposedly). It’s a cesspool
of harsh noise, extreme metal and pained screeches. The same group of musicians
have actually created another project titled Vorkuta under the artist name ‘Gulaggh’, which is arguably worse as
it incorporates children’s screams. I’ve only listened to a couple minutes of
each record and that was enough of an endurance test (you can listen to one of the tracks above as a sweet taster). This is, after all, music to be endured, not enjoyed - if you can even call it 'music'.
Amount of bricks shat: *currently still shitting*