Thursday 14 December 2023

The 10 Worst Christmas Song Lyrics

Does anyone actually know what a 'jingle horse' is?

We hear the same Christmas songs every year. But how many of us actually listen closely to the lyrics? Not many of us. Because if we did, we’d realise just how stupendously dumb and baffling some of the lyrics are in these songs.

Admittedly, not all Christmas songs have terrible lyrics. Some are actually quite fun and heartwarming. But others don’t make sense or are plain inappropriate. I’ve decided to round up a few of the latter examples.

10. ‘When the snowman brings the snow

Song: ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’ by Wizzard

Let’s start by settling this famous festive fallacy. The snowman doesn’t bring the snow. He is built out of snow. If anything, it is the snow that brings the snowman. And no, this is not some debatable chicken and egg situation. Does the sandcastle bring the sand? No. Does the gargoyle bring the stone? No. So why would the snowman bring the snow?

9. ‘The choir of children sing their song/ they practiced all year long/ (choir) ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong...

Song: ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ – Paul McCartney

Why is the choir singing ‘ding dong, ding dong, ding dong’? And why did it take them all year to practice it??

8. ‘Everyone dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way’

Song: ‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree’ – Brenda Lee

No, not the old fashioned way. The new old-fashioned way. Which, being the dance style of 1958, is likely to be quite old fashioned now. The old-fashioned new old-fashioned way.

7. ‘Giddy up Jingle horse, pick up your feet

Song: ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ – Bobby Helms

The tone of this line is so unnecessarily condescending. And what is a ‘jingle horse’ anyway? At first, I thought it was a derogatory term for a reindeer. But I think a jingle horse may be a completely different species altogether. A rare cursed Christmas cryptid with bells for eyes and broken bauble shards for teeth. Maybe there’s a whole jingle farm with jingle pigs and jingle cows too?

6. ‘Santa buddy, hurry down the chimney tonight

Song: ‘Santa Baby’ – Michael Bublé

In this awkward cover of ‘Santa Baby’, Michael Bublé tries to reduce any suggestion that he may have homoerotic feelings for Santa by changing ‘baby’ to ‘buddy’. But in doing so, it feels like he’s trying too hard to prove he’s straight. Which can only mean one thing: Michael Bublé is, in fact, fucking Santa.

5. ‘The only water that flows is the bitter sting of tears

Song: ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ – Band Aid

Alright, steady on. Combined with Bono accusingly yelling ‘well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!’, this song always struck me as a bit too heavy handed. I’m glad that Christmas charity singles are a bit jollier nowadays.

4. ‘Oh what a laugh it would have been/if daddy had only seen/mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Song: ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ – The Jackson 5

Unless dad’s a cuck, I’m pretty sure it won’t be a laugh.

3. ‘Bonga, bonga, bonga/ do the Christmas conga’

Song: ‘Christmas Conga’ by Cyndi Lauper

Don’t remember this song? It’s alright, nobody does. And for good reason.

2. ‘Funky, dope jam top on your Christmas/list, do you dig this?’

Song: ‘Funky Funky Xmas’  - New Kids On The Block

I can see why this track has been largely forgotten too.

1. ‘You scumbag, you maggot/you cheap lousy f*ggot

Song: ‘Fairytale of New York’ – The Pogues

Because nothing says Christmas like a ho-ho-homophobic slur! I was going to refrain from putting this song in the top spot. After all, Shane MacGowan has only just had his funeral (R.I.P.) and they have since changed the lyrics in recent radio versions to ‘cheap and you’re haggard’. But it’s still insane to me that this was once an acceptable line in a hit Christmas song.