Does anyone actually know what a 'jingle horse' is?
We hear the same Christmas songs every year. But how
many of us actually listen closely to the lyrics? Not many of us. Because if we
did, we’d realise just how stupendously dumb and baffling some of the lyrics
are in these songs.
Admittedly, not all Christmas songs have terrible
lyrics. Some are actually quite fun and heartwarming. But others don’t make
sense or are plain inappropriate. I’ve decided to round up a few of the latter
examples.
10. ‘When the snowman brings the snow’
Song: ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’ by Wizzard
Let’s start by settling this famous festive fallacy. The
snowman doesn’t bring the snow. He is built out of snow. If anything, it is the
snow that brings the snowman. And no, this is not some debatable chicken and
egg situation. Does the sandcastle bring the sand? No. Does the gargoyle bring
the stone? No. So why would the snowman bring the snow?
9. ‘The choir of children sing their song/ they
practiced all year long/ (choir) ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong...’
Song: ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ – Paul McCartney
Why is the choir singing ‘ding dong, ding dong, ding dong’? And why
did it take them all year to practice it??
8. ‘Everyone dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned
way’
Song: ‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree’ – Brenda Lee
No, not the old fashioned way. The new old-fashioned
way. Which, being the dance style of 1958, is likely to be quite old fashioned
now. The old-fashioned new old-fashioned way.
7. ‘Giddy up Jingle horse, pick up your feet’
Song: ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ – Bobby Helms
The tone of this line is so unnecessarily condescending.
And what is a ‘jingle horse’ anyway? At first, I thought it was a derogatory
term for a reindeer. But I think a jingle horse may be a completely different
species altogether. A rare cursed Christmas cryptid with bells for eyes and broken
bauble shards for teeth. Maybe there’s a whole jingle farm with jingle pigs and
jingle cows too?
6. ‘Santa buddy, hurry down the chimney tonight’
Song: ‘Santa Baby’ – Michael Bublé
In this awkward cover of ‘Santa Baby’, Michael Bublé
tries to reduce any suggestion that he may have homoerotic feelings for Santa by
changing ‘baby’ to ‘buddy’. But in doing so, it feels like he’s trying too hard
to prove he’s straight. Which can only mean one thing: Michael Bublé is, in
fact, fucking Santa.
5. ‘The only water that flows is the bitter sting of
tears’
Song:
‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ – Band Aid
Alright, steady on. Combined with Bono accusingly
yelling ‘well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!’, this
song always struck me as a bit too heavy handed. I’m glad that Christmas
charity singles are a bit jollier nowadays.
4. ‘Oh what a laugh it would have been/if daddy had
only seen/mommy kissing Santa Claus last night’
Song:
‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ – The Jackson 5
Unless dad’s a cuck, I’m pretty sure it won’t be a laugh.
3. ‘Bonga, bonga, bonga/ do the Christmas conga’
Song: ‘Christmas Conga’ by Cyndi Lauper
Don’t remember this song? It’s alright, nobody does. And
for good reason.
2. ‘Funky, dope jam top on your Christmas/list, do
you dig this?’
Song: ‘Funky
Funky Xmas’ - New Kids On The Block
I can see why this track has been largely forgotten
too.
1. ‘You scumbag, you maggot/you cheap lousy f*ggot’
Song: ‘Fairytale of New York’ – The Pogues
Because nothing says Christmas like a ho-ho-homophobic
slur! I was going to refrain from putting this song in the top spot. After all,
Shane MacGowan has only just had his funeral (R.I.P.) and they have since
changed the lyrics in recent radio versions to ‘cheap and you’re haggard’.
But it’s still insane to me that this was once an acceptable line in a hit Christmas
song.