Monday 18 December 2023

The 10 Worst Songs of 2023

It’s time for my annual shitlist. Hold your nose as we expose the biggest musical doodoos of 2023.

After taking home first prize two years in a row, Kid Rock has decided to sit this year’s list out. Resident guest Drake will also not be making an appearance this year. So who actually made it onto my list?

Well, there’s still quite a few big names you may have heard of. Not so many smaller names this time. I thought it was more considerate to bully the A-listers.

If you like these types of hateful listicles, don’t forget to check out some of my worst songs lists from previous years. As always, I’m also planning to do a roundup of my favourite songs at some point, so stay tuned.  

10. ‘Vultures’ – Ye & Ty Dolla $ign ft. Bump J & Lil Durk

First, let’s welcome back Ye. The rapper has been fairly quiet since his 2022 jew-hating Twitter tirade. But, a month ago, he returned with this new song, which sees him delivering Columbine puns over a template trap beat. He also offers this apology to the Jewish community: ‘How I’m antisemitic? I just fucked a Jewish bitch’. Thank you, Kanye. Very cool.

9. ‘With or Without You’ – U2 (re-recorded)

U2 released a new album this year, which they kindly didn’t force upon all iTunes users. Instead of containing new material however, they decided to just re-release their classics, but as shittier versions (basically, they pulled a Disney). The original ‘With or Without You’ is a banger, but this version lacks all the suspense and Bono’s voice is flat. It’s okay though, because I hear all the proceeds will be going to the upkeep of Bono’s superyacht.  

8. ‘Praising You’ – Rita Ora

Last year, David Guetta and Bebe Rexha decided to ruin Eiffel 65’s ‘Blue’ with their own unnecessary rendition. This year, Rita Ora decided it was her turn to ruin a 90s classic, Fatboy Slim’s ‘Praise You’, with her own pointless interpolation. The good news is I don’t think there are any more 90s classics left to ruin at this point. The bad news is that this means they’ll move onto ruining 00s songs.

7. ‘Pump Rock X Heavy Metal’ – Lil Pump

Pump rock shit/slit my wrists/fuck that bitch’. Lil Pump is still no poet. And I’m not sure if he’s trying to sound angry or if he’s just got a really bad case of Xanny-induced constipation. Nonetheless, a Lil Pump metal song could come out a lot worse.

6. ‘DJ Play A Christmas Song’ – Cher

Besides sounding like a Temu version of ‘Believe’, what kinda sociopath releases a Christmas song in October? At least let me finish carving my pumpkin, Cher!

5. ‘Red Eye’ – Jockstrap & Taylor Skye ft. Ian Starr

It’s weird that these new songs are being credited as ‘Jockstrap & Taylor Skye’, because Taylor Skye is a member of Jockstrap. That’s like referring to Queen as ‘Queen and Freddie Mercury’, or Simon & Garfunkel as ‘Simon & Garfunkel and Art Garfunkel’. Anyway, good grief, this song is a monstrosity.

4. ‘Mother’ – Meghan Trainor

I thought Meghan Trainor had retired. But no, The Meg is back, and she’s sounding more condescending and doo-woppy than ever before. Why does this woman think she’s my mother? And what has she done to Mr Sandman?

3. ‘Sh sh sh (hit that)’ – DVBBS

Does anyone remember that rapper called Lanze who did that weird out-of-breath ad lib that made him sound like he was having an asthma attack? Well, these guys remind me of them, except somehow more annoying. It sounds like they’re trying to whistle, but don’t quite know how.

2. ‘Mind Your Business’ – Will.I.Am & Britney Spears

I can hear the Britney army yelling ‘leave Britney alone!’. It’s okay, I blame for this. He’s got some anti-Midas touch going on where everything he touches turns to shit instead of gold. This time he’s got Britney doing some weird autotuned rapping, which ends up sounding like a bad Gwen Stefani impression. And I don’t even know where to start with a lyric like: ‘too much looky-looky, I’m so sick of all these looky-loos’.

1. ‘Toxic Gossip Train’ – Coleen Ballinger

Having a sing-song with a ukelele is probably not the best way to respond to allegations of grooming. In fact, having a sing-song with a ukelele in general is rarely ever a good idea. But that’s exactly what YouTuber Coleen Ballinger decided to do this year. The track is over 10 minutes and she can’t seem to decide whether it’s a serious diatribe or a light-hearted song. I still haven’t been able to make it through the whole thing.