It’s time for my annual shitlist. Hold your nose as we expose the biggest musical doodoos of 2023.
After taking home first prize two years in a row, Kid
Rock has decided to sit this year’s list out. Resident guest Drake will also
not be making an appearance this year. So who actually made it onto my list?
Well, there’s still quite a few big names you may have
heard of. Not so many smaller names this time. I thought it was more
considerate to bully the A-listers.
If you like these types of hateful listicles, don’t
forget to check out some of my worst songs lists from previous years. As
always, I’m also planning to do a roundup of my favourite songs at some point,
so stay tuned.
10. ‘Vultures’ – Ye & Ty Dolla $ign ft. Bump J & Lil
Durk
First, let’s welcome back Ye. The rapper has been fairly
quiet since his 2022 jew-hating Twitter tirade. But, a month ago, he returned
with this new song, which sees him delivering Columbine puns over a template trap
beat. He also offers this apology to the Jewish community: ‘How I’m
antisemitic? I just fucked a Jewish bitch’. Thank you, Kanye. Very cool.
9. ‘With or Without You’ – U2 (re-recorded)
U2 released a new album this year, which they kindly
didn’t force upon all iTunes users. Instead of containing new material however,
they decided to just re-release their classics, but as shittier versions
(basically, they pulled a Disney). The original ‘With or Without You’ is a
banger, but this version lacks all the suspense and Bono’s voice is flat. It’s
okay though, because I hear all the proceeds will be going to the upkeep of
Bono’s superyacht.
8. ‘Praising You’ – Rita Ora
Last year, David Guetta and Bebe Rexha decided to ruin
Eiffel 65’s ‘Blue’ with their own unnecessary rendition. This year, Rita Ora
decided it was her turn to ruin a 90s classic, Fatboy Slim’s ‘Praise You’, with
her own pointless interpolation. The good news is I don’t think there are any
more 90s classics left to ruin at this point. The bad news is that this means
they’ll move onto ruining 00s songs.
7. ‘Pump Rock X Heavy Metal’ – Lil Pump
‘Pump rock shit/slit my wrists/fuck that bitch’. Lil
Pump is still no poet. And I’m not sure if he’s trying to sound angry or if
he’s just got a really bad case of Xanny-induced constipation. Nonetheless, a
Lil Pump metal song could come out a lot worse.
6. ‘DJ Play A Christmas Song’ – Cher
Besides sounding like a Temu version of ‘Believe’, what
kinda sociopath releases a Christmas song in October? At least let me finish
carving my pumpkin, Cher!
5. ‘Red Eye’ – Jockstrap & Taylor Skye ft. Ian Starr
It’s weird that these new songs are being credited as
‘Jockstrap & Taylor Skye’, because Taylor Skye is a member of Jockstrap. That’s
like referring to Queen as ‘Queen and Freddie Mercury’, or Simon &
Garfunkel as ‘Simon & Garfunkel and Art Garfunkel’. Anyway, good grief, this
song is a monstrosity.
4. ‘Mother’ – Meghan Trainor
I thought Meghan Trainor had retired. But no, The Meg is
back, and she’s sounding more condescending and doo-woppy than ever before. Why
does this woman think she’s my mother? And what has she done to Mr Sandman?
3. ‘Sh sh sh (hit that)’ – DVBBS
Does anyone remember that rapper called Lanze who did
that weird out-of-breath ad lib that made him sound like he was having an
asthma attack? Well, these guys remind me of them, except somehow more
annoying. It sounds like they’re trying to whistle, but don’t quite know how.
2. ‘Mind Your Business’ – Will.I.Am & Britney Spears
I can hear the Britney army yelling ‘leave Britney
alone!’. It’s okay, I blame Will.I.am for this. He’s got some anti-Midas touch
going on where everything he touches turns to shit instead of gold. This time
he’s got Britney doing some weird autotuned rapping, which ends up sounding
like a bad Gwen Stefani impression. And I don’t even know where to start with a
lyric like: ‘too much looky-looky, I’m so sick of all these looky-loos’.
1. ‘Toxic Gossip Train’ – Coleen Ballinger
Having a sing-song with a ukelele is probably not the
best way to respond to allegations of grooming. In fact, having a sing-song
with a ukelele in general is rarely ever a good idea. But that’s exactly what
YouTuber Coleen Ballinger decided to do this year. The track is over 10 minutes
and she can’t seem to decide whether it’s a serious diatribe or a light-hearted
song. I still haven’t been able to make it through the whole thing.