♫ He's making his end-of-year lists. He’s checking them twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. ♫ As usual, I'm planning on rounding up my favourite tracks, but we’ll get the ‘naughty list’ out of the way first. Here are my picks for the worst songs of 2021. Which songs did I miss?
10. ‘Big Paper’ – DJ Khaled ft. Cardi B
Cardi B revealed that she wrote this track in just 48 hours, which is probably why it sucks so much. Although she definitely brings energy to the track, her flow is off-beat and the production is plain crappy.
9. ‘Bed’ – Joel Corry, RAYE and David Guetta
This would be an okay dance-pop track if it weren’t for the silly hook. The way in which she repeats ‘I’ve got a bed’ so insistently has me wondering: does she have a bed? The lady doth protest too much.
8. ‘Bad Luck’ – Denzel Curry ft. PlayThatBoyZai
I appreciate Denzel for experimenting with a rock sound, but the screeching vocals on this track are horrific. The Florida rapper has released plenty of decent shouty tracks in the past, but here he sounds like a muppet being tortured.
7. ‘I Don’t Really Care’ – French Montana
The elongated delivery of ‘I don’t really cuuuuuur’ towards the end is totally off-key and borderline unlistenable. I also find the line ‘I make trends’ hilarious. Mate, you haven’t started a trend in your life. You’ve been copying other rappers since day 1.
6. ‘Slow Clap’ – Gwen Stefani
No-one was clapping when Gwen Stefani dropped this ‘comeback’ single. The chorus is impressively annoying and the verses sound like they’re from a mid-00s Paris Hilton song. To top it off, the artwork is hideous. Should have titled it ‘So Crap’.
5. ‘Way 2 Sexy’ – Drake ft. Future & Young Thug
Yes, the video is funny. But have you tried listening to this song without the video? All the humour is lost, and you’re left with a dull trap rap version of Right Said Fred’s ‘I’m Too Sexy’. The lyrics are plain dire. Between Drake blethering ‘OK. Alright. That’s fine. OK’ and Young Thug asking to be molested, it feels like each rapper was competing to write worst bars possible.
4. ‘White Boy Summer’ – Chet Hanx
TOM HANKS, COULD YOU PLEASE COLLECT YOUR SON FROM THE BEACH. HE’S OUT HERE PROMOTING WHITE PRIDE, RAPPING IN PATOIS AND COMPLETELY RUINING YOUR LEGACY.
3. ‘Soul Train’ – YBN Yahmir
YBN Yahmir’s attempt to write a soul song is pure comedy. The autotuned delivery is abysmal and half the lyrics don’t make an iota of sense: ‘When I glide, I slide, might slip around’. Since dropping this, the rapper has been relentlessly trolled on social media. However, he’s been a good sport about it and has even been joining in by trolling himself.
2. ‘Happy’ – Dorian Electra ft. 645AR
Dorian Electra and 645AR’s cover of Pharrell Williams’ ‘Happy’ is utter agony to listen to, although I’m pretty that this was intentional. IT HAS TO BE. A clear level of creativity went into making this song sound as horrible as it does. It’s for this reason alone that ‘Happy’ didn’t make the number one spot.
1. ‘Don’t Tell Me How To Live’ - Kid Rock ft. Monster Truck
Kid Rock’s sweary attack on millennials (whom he endearingly refers to as ‘snowflakes’ and a ‘nation of pussies’) feels like it ought to be a parody track. The video, in which the rock-rapper rides a giant middle finger into space, even has a South Park vibe to it. Every tired conservative cliché is thrown in here and yelled at the listener like an angry Facebook rant. It really is quite something to behold.