Wednesday 15 January 2014

Top 15 Dumbest Lyrics in Pop Music

2013 witnessed some truly poignant lyrical moments. Beyonce invited listeners to lick her skittles, Miley Cyrus explained the dangers of driving so fast you piss yourself and Jay-z dedicated an entire song to tuxedo designer, Tom Ford. And who could forget our Holy Father, Kanye, pleading with the staff in a “French-ass restaurant”, urging them to hurry up with his "damn croissants"? Such eloquent and thought-provoking poetry has inspired me to take a look back at some of the all-time greatest moments in pop music lyricism. Put your diving helmet on. We’re about to get deep.

15. "I have a feeling/ that tonight’s gonna be a good night/ that tonight’s gonna be a good night/ that tonight’s gonna be a good good night"
 - "I have a Feeling" by The Black Eyes Peas There are a thousand and one adjectives one can explore instead of good. Even “My Humps” is witty in comparison to this toddler talk.

14. "I really really really wanna zigazigahhh"
 - "Wannabe" by Spice Girls

 Entertainingly cheesy and somewhat of a guilty pleasure to most people, it still doesn’t counter the fact that “zigazigahhh” is plain gibberish and a bit of an anti-climax after the long, ridiculous build-up beforehand: “I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. Yeah, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want…

13. "The square root of 69 is 8 something, right?/ Cos, I've been trying to work it out ouww"
- "What's my Name?" by Rihanna (feat. Drake)


12. "Only time will tell if we can stand the test of time"
- "Why Can't This be Love" by Van Halen

Captain Obvious strikes again.

11. "My vibe is too vibaliscious for you babe"
 - "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child

Vibaliscious isn't a word and doesn't deserve to be a word.

10. "What rhymes with hug me?"
- "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

Oh, I don’t know. Drug me? Shrug me? Dug me? Bug me? Tug me? 
LOL ROBIN THICKE Y U SO THICK? #ThickAsInDumb” #ThickSoundsLike“Thicke” #GET IT???

9. "Are we human or are we dancer?"
- "Human" by The Killers

As much as people insist that the lyric is “denser” and not “dancer” (“are we human or are we denser” could have some level of philosophical meaning, I suppose), the rock band’s frontman, Brandon Flowers, continues to swear that the lyric is in fact "dancer". 

8. "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble. So you don't confuse them with mountains"
- "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira

Indeed. I'm constantly confusing massive boobs with alpine peaks.

Scarlett Johansson makes me want to ski

7. "If I was a sculptor - but then again no"
- "Your song" by Elton John

I was going to say something witty - but then again no.

6. "I can see that you're 15 years old. No, I don't want your ID."
- "Stray Cat Blues" by The Rolling Stones

We'll forgive you Mick. It was the 60s. You probably have little recollection of it.

5. "There were plants and birds and rocks and things/ and sand and hills and rings"
- "A Horse with no Name" by America

I particularly like the inclusion of "things". Scarily vivid imagery going on there.

4. "War, war is stupid/ And people are stupid."
- "The War Song" by Culture Club

Your lyrics are stupid. You're stupid.

3. "She's got everything/ like a moving mouth, body control and everything"
- "Highway Star" by Deep Purple

I love a woman with all those things. Does she have working limbs too and a respiratory system? Does she have a neck in between her head and body? That’s my perfect girl! 

2. "I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer"
- "Rhythm is a Dancer" by Snap!

Serious as cancer?


1. "Bitches suck my dick because I look like J.K. Rowling"
- "Wonton Soup" by Lil B

Pretty much anything by Lil B is lyrical gold #swag #BasedGod #I’mAVampireNow!