Thursday 18 December 2014

The 10 Worst Songs of 2014

For sheer entertainment value, I’ve decided to look back at the year and round up music’s crème de la crap. It’s not all pop music (most of it is but not all). Enjoy.

10. 'All About that Bass' - Meghan Trainor

It’s nice that Meghan’s speaking out for all the larger ladies, but when it’s done at the expense of skinny-shaming she loses all my respect. The ‘bass/treble’ metaphor that makes up the hook is also dumb and impressively annoying.

9. 'Honest' – Future

Relying entirely on auto-tune when singing is a crime. Managing to sound out-of-tune even with pitch correction is a goddamn achievement. Future sounds like a robot going through puberty on this track. The instrumental meanwhile should be administered as general anaesthetic.

8. 'Timber' - Pitbull ft. Kesha

I want to rip my ears off every time I hear Ke$ha’s whiny, nasal voice. Like ‘All About That Bass’ it also contains another forced metaphor in its hook. Also, Pitbull.

7. 'Hello Kitty' – Avril Lavingue

The skate-punk icon of the noughties embraces japanophilia and dubstep and the result is something bizarre and unpretty. Also what’s up with the lyrics: ‘Let’s all slumber party, like a fat kid on a pack of smarties’.

6. 'Edge of a Revolution' - Nickelback

Nickelback did a collaboration with Flo Rida this year and it still wasn’t as embarassing as this travesty. I’ve always found the band’s rock n roll clichés rather charming in the past – the drugs, the sex, the fast cars. Thankfully, they’ve always avoided politics – until now. You can’t be the posterboys for a revolution when you’re the most commercial rock band on the planet. It’s like Coca-Cola trying to tell the world that consumerism is bad.

5.  'Loyal' - Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne, French Montana, Too Short & Tyga

These hoes ain’t loyal’. Maybe you should stop beating them then and they might be inclined to be a bit more loyal. Most rappers can get away with misogynistic lyrics, but not Chris Brown. This is bad taste and nobody seems to be batting an eyelid. Chris Brown could spit over a remix of ‘Smack my Bitch up’ and drunken people would still dance to it in a club.

4. 'Get Swoll' - Constantine

I really want this to be tongue-in-cheek but I have a terrible feeling that it isn’t. Big Con may indeed be swoll but a rock singer/rapper he is not.

3. 'Proving Ground' - Atilla

Every single riff is a one note breakdown. It’s a shameful waste of a fretboard. The whole ‘who’s the faggot now?’ line is also just unnecessary and doesn’t make them any more macho.

2. 'Anaconda' – Nicki Minaj

The thought process behind this song is simple: Sex sells. Twerking and butts are in fashion, so let’s throw lots of that into the music video. We’ll cash in on a beat from an already successful song. How about ‘Baby Got Back’, it links in with the butt theme. Let’s put some trap in there and lots of annoying noises too, vocal and instrumental. Annoying noises are catchy and catchiness sells records. Who cares if the song is unmusical and lyrically dumb? This isn’t about making music, it’s about making money!!!

1. 'Hookah' – Tyga ft. Young Thug

Feel free to throw as much eye candy at me as you can. It’s still not going to distract me from the disaster that is this song. Without Young Thug this would still be a poor track, lacking any real originality or flair. With Young Thug its borderline unlistenable. This is some of his worst rapping to date and that hook sounds like he’s just developed a testicular hernia. I can only imagine the PR team who discovered Young Thug took him on as a joke. However, this is a joke that could become a disease in hip hop. If it takes no actual rapping talent and just a whole load of goofiness and a quirky fashion sense to be a musician, what hope has the music industry got.