Forget my worst songs lists of 2014 and 2015 - this year’s list makes those freak shows look like beauty pageants. Whilst there have been some extreme musical highs this year, there have also been many extreme musical lows – some of which I haven’t been able to free from my mind, so I thought I’d share them with you, being the sick person I am. I warn you now - these songs are an advertisement for deafness. They’re enough to make the sadist behind Crazy Frog wince. It is rumoured ISIS considered using these songs for military purposes, but concluded to do so would be against even their moral code. Proceed at your own risk…
10. ‘Y’all Ain’t Trappin’ – 7K
Go on, click the play button. All will become clear around the 0:38 mark. This guy refers to himself as ‘Tupac reborn’ and states that his email address is ‘FOR SERIOUS ENQUIRIES ONLY’. The only reason he’s not higher up on this list is because I’m certain he’s trolling. PLEASE GOD THIS GUY HAS TO BE A TROLL
9. ‘Facts’ - Kanye West
This diss track aimed at Nike, in which the rapper quips ‘Nike treat employees just like slaves’, is rich coming from the guy who happens to be Adidas’s number-one-sponsor. Not that Kanye bothers to stay on topic, spurting out bars about Bill Cosby and couches: ‘couches, couches, couches, couches, which one should I pick? I need extra deep, I like my bitches extra thick’. How did this track make the final cut of his album, when other far superior singles didn’t?
8. ‘Spoons’ – Macklemore
Nobody wants to hear a rap song about spooning. Macklemore goes out of his way to make the topic all the more awkward. He compares his wife’s belly to Gucci Mane at one point, which may be a joke, may be an insult, I haven’t worked it out yet. It’s neither funny nor romantic, instead crudely sappy, enough to make Michael Cera cringe. Unlike ‘Facts’, Macklemore wisely took note of reactions, and left this off his latest album – so I guess that’s a plus.
7. ‘Heard What I Said’ – Cash Out
I can barely hear what this mumble-rapper is saying, but I guess that’s the irony of the title.
6. ‘Like a Bird’ – Tiffany Trump
You really don’t need experience to chase your dreams. Just like her daddy who has shown the world he can become president-elect, Tiffany Trump has chosen to become a singer, regardless of possessing any talent for the role. Having access to money certainly helps.
5. ‘I Want More’ – IceJJFish
In a strange way, I respect this dude more than Tiffany Trump for not doctoring every single note with auto-tune. That said, if out-of-tune falsettos become the next big fad in music, I’m emigrating Earth.
4. ‘Go 4 It’ – Corey Feldman (ft. Snoop Dogg)
I’ve said everything there is to say about Corey Feldman. Read that review and then consider the fact that this isn’t even the worst song on my list.
3. ‘Flatline’ – B.o.B
The beat is distractingly good. It’s a shame B.o.B has to waste it rapping about how he thinks the world is flat. Amongst dissing astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and urging listeners to read up on the work of noted holocaust denier David Irving, the song also mentions ‘mirror lizards’ and ‘a cult called science’. Errrm… what the fuck is a mirror lizard?
2. ‘I’m Vegan!!! Die, Meat-eaters!!!’ – Misha
This militant vegan kid is going to grow up to be a serial killer. He’ll be shooting up kebab shops and butchers stores across the world. And when finally he has massacred the Earth’s meat-eater population, he will celebrate by breaking into his mad spasm-dance, at which point mirror lizards will crawl out of the walls and tear him apart with their laser-beam eyes.
1. ‘Problem’ – Unicorns Killed My Girlfriend
Having travelled from 2006 through a portal in their Myspace page, these kids are battling to keep crunkcore alive. ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!’ screams a dude in a red beanie over an obnoxious trap beat, his voice glitched up to sound more edgy. Who is he so angry at? Did his mum interrupt his game of Call of Duty yet again? ‘You got a problem, bitch? Throw your hands up’ begins the emo chick’s stilted rap verse, summoning her opponent to a fist fight, whilst simultaneously holding a baseball bat. She is followed by white Lil Wayne, who tells us he isn’t into dreadlocks and all that ‘gang shit’, succeeding at making an even worse attempt at lip-syncing. Red beanie dude then closes the song by screaming ‘FUCK YOU’ at emo chick repeatedly. It really is quite something to behold.